When i first left home, i thought that i would be learning more about the world, living in the world and how to be independent.
But that's not really what i learnt that much. Sure, i learnt some stuff...but what i really learnt about was people.
People are all different. People have different agendas and goals in life.
People hide things. Some are absorbed in themselves, some wish they were someone they are not and most are both.
Most of the time that people talk, they talk about themselves. About how they feel, about their experiences...just about them. Most of what people think is what they should be doing, what they should say, what some other person did to them, how they can get some people to like them, how to improve themselves etc.
In short, people tend to be so self-absorbed. The worse part is that most of us don't even realise how selfish and egoistic we are until we actually listen to the way we think.
I know for one that i'm only coming to realise how selfish i really am. The worse part is that a lot of the time, i hide my selfishness behind a facade that seems incredibly selfless.
I'm doing this and this...for God. But really, it's just so i'll look better.
God, i'm a good christian and i pray that you will do as i ask - but of course, your will be done. When things don't turn out as wanted. God, do you not love me? Why didn't you answer my prayers? It's so hard to trust you now.
Imagine. To lose trust in God because He didn't do what WE WANTED. It's just like me going to my bro and asking him to toast me some bread. But he knows that the bread has gone mouldy and tells me he can't do it, but will make me scrambled eggs instead. Then i get mad that he won't give me toast and i keep insisting it. He refuses and offers toast, which is obviously not only tastier, better but is better for me.
And what is my response? I get mad at him. And then i say i don't trust him.
I know it's not exactly the same thing, but see how ridiculous that is? and that's like us not trusting God coz He didn't do what WE want. How stupid and selfish is that?
People go through their highs and lows. People live each day...wanting to do things...wanting things to get better...wanting some things to change...
People hurt. people cry. people...
When you get close to someone, all their pain and hurt transfers straight to you. Even when they don't tell you what's wrong, you still pain over it. You want to help out but sometimes...you can't really do anything about it.
People are just so intricate and unique. Fragile in so many ways.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
My Bucket List
1. Hire a car and drive around Europe with some close friends
2. See the Scottish Castles and stay in one
3. Write and publish a novel
4. Swim in a pristinely clear lake
5. Stand under a waterfall
6. Get married and have kids (4>)
7. Own my own German Shepherd and train him and love him to bits
8. Make the perfect Creme Brule (and spell it right =P)
9. Ride a horse in a meadow
10. Smell a hundred year-old book
11. Be on a movie set
12. Sit on a float in a pool and read a book
13. Paint a beautiful landscape
14. See the Lake District
15. Drink coffee in France
16. Go to Disney World/Land
17. Sing on a stage (even if it's to an audience of one)
18. Write a song and actually like it
19. Dance in the rain
20. Have a picnic on the beach and not have the problem of sand in your food
21. Have a library like in Beauty and the Beast
22. Own all of William Shakespeare and Jane Austen in seperate books, beautifully bound (the older, the better)
It's nice to dream sometimes...
2. See the Scottish Castles and stay in one
3. Write and publish a novel
4. Swim in a pristinely clear lake
5. Stand under a waterfall
6. Get married and have kids (4>)
7. Own my own German Shepherd and train him and love him to bits
8. Make the perfect Creme Brule (and spell it right =P)
9. Ride a horse in a meadow
10. Smell a hundred year-old book
11. Be on a movie set
12. Sit on a float in a pool and read a book
13. Paint a beautiful landscape
14. See the Lake District
15. Drink coffee in France
16. Go to Disney World/Land
17. Sing on a stage (even if it's to an audience of one)
18. Write a song and actually like it
19. Dance in the rain
20. Have a picnic on the beach and not have the problem of sand in your food
21. Have a library like in Beauty and the Beast
22. Own all of William Shakespeare and Jane Austen in seperate books, beautifully bound (the older, the better)
It's nice to dream sometimes...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Plans
Change.
Change is everywhere.
Change is in the skies - the clouds constantly shaping with the prompting of the winds. It's in the sand which shapes every second, no single grain where it once was. It's in the seasons which grow from warm to cold and cold to warm. It's in the days - all following the same 24 hr pattern but being filled with so many different events and themes.
Change is inevitable. It's part of life, after all.
Then why is it that sometimes i fear change?
Because when i go away from home, sometimes i fear that when i go back, things will be really different. Or that when i come back from home, uni will be really different. Because i'm afraid that one day, i'll wake up and won't be able to write anymore.
Despite all my optimisms about life, sometimes i have this tingling inside that life isn't so much of an idealistic happily ever after as i always put it out to be.
We always have plans in our lives. And if you're like me, your plans will be vast and endless. I'm the kind who wants to live my life to the very fullest. I know God has given me a gift of life here in this world and every day is a gift from God and i do want to make the most of it - for Him. But i'll be lying too if i said that all my plans centred around Him, because sadly, i am only human and deep down, there are some things that i want to do for me.
But it's not like God won't bless me or "pamper" me through His plans because God is a God of goodness, love and benevolence along with holiness, justice and power. That's what's so great about God. Everything God will do for His glory but at the same time, it'll be best for the most amount of people at the best possible time. Isn't that just so comforting and incredible?
So i guess when i look back at where i was exactly a year ago, i'd say things definitely didn't go according to "plan".
I wanted to go to UNSW to do Med.
I was fully ready to be a Glue or SYG leader in Church
I was psyched to get involved in RICE as a RICE leader
I was going to write a great story and aim to get it published
Those were my plans a year ago - the middle of the year 2008.
Well, guess what happened?
I didn't get into UNSW med and am now in JCU Med, in Townsville, QLD instead.
Dad resigned from ministry and we changed churches, so i couldn't be involved in youth ministry there. But not that it would have changed anything anyway, coz i was going to move to go to uni.
I'm in Townsville, so i can't exactly be involved in RICE.
I know - my goal many years ago was to be the youngest published author ever. Publish a book at 13. Publish a book at 16. Publish a book at 18. Give up looking at an age mark.
So, things didn't exactly go according to plan. In fact, it was TOTALLY off plan. And to be honest, a lot of the time while i was IN it, i just couldn't understand why.
It's not like i WANT things from God and expect Him to follow MY plans...but what was REALLY on my mind was...God, why is it that i know some people whose every wish they have answered? I've always been doing as you want me to do, God. Putting you first, trusting in you...why can't you give me a break just for once?
I remember the days i used to assure my dad that resignation was the right decision and in my heart, know that it was true. I remember how comforted i was and really, i know that God really helped me to be selfless. Because if i were selfish, i'd have wanted to stayed...coz it was the church i grew up in and always dreamed of serving in.
I remember that day we had to farewell lunch at church. 12 solid years of ministry. Friends...no...family...all with us, talking to us, having a video of everyone saying bye to us. I remember the time it was to share about my dad and how people would thank our family so much for our ministry...and then start crying.
I remember crying as i heard how much the people appreciated my dad - knowing deep inside how much he needed it. How much God was blessing him through it. I remember the church being united that afternoon in the memories of the past decade - good memories.
I remember crying that day when liz came and hugged me and told me that she didn't want me to leave. We hugged for so long and i cried so hard...and i remember at that moment realising that this is what pastors usually did. So many of my PK friends would be constantly changing churches...as the Lord calls. I remember at that moment realising just what it means for God to call when He chooses to...and for ministry to be with the outer reaches of society and not just your comfort zone. Because it's so easy to just get so complacent with where you are that you can forget WHY you're going to church or WHY you're serving in ministry.
Sometimes, you really need a wakeup call and it's a blessing when God smacks you in the face with one...even if you don't see it as a blessing at the time.
But my point is that...then i partially wondered why it had to happen at that time. Why we had to church hop and just not be at "home" (church was like my second home, i was there so much) when my HSC was approaching. When i thought that that would be the prime of my life and i would be starting to serve more in church.
But when i look at it now, i know that God knows. It was God's perfect timing and God KNOWS!
Not only did it make it easier for me to leave home and come to uni because i wasn't in my church "home" anymore, but my parents are HAPPY. More importantly, their ministry is blossiming so beautifully and sweetly that it's so obvious that God's hand is in it all. God has been such a blessing to them and through them to the church that i just sit back and marvel in awe at God's power, might and....perfection. I thank God everyday for just being so amazing to my family.
So it wasn't my plan...but it was the best, wasn't it?
Just like my coming to JCU. Just coming here has meant that my eyes have been open to the wider society. I've been able to meet all these differnet people from different walks of life. I've been able to see the need of the people both in Australia and out of Australia - instead of being stagnant with higher-income friends in a higher-income church where the poor and disadvantaged were more words than experience.
I've been able to share the gospel to countless people and watch as God works through them and opens their eyes, in some cases. I've been able to watch my friend - my dear, beautiful friend whom i talked about God to that first week of O-week - grow to be such a beautiful woman in God being so passionate and fruitful. I've been able to do ministry - not out in the forefront as i had always kind of "planned" - but in sharing with people and just....living Christ.
That's something God has really taught me. It's so easy to talk big about those who are out there in ministry - leading RICE, doing talks, MCing meetings, leading youthgroups and all that jazz...that i found myself caught up in wanting to do those exact things and forgetting that ministry is basically following God's commandments.
And isn't sharing the gospel and living Christ just as much a ministry as standing at the front of a youth group meeting? Not that one is better than the other - it's just different ministries. But sometimes we can be so caught up in minimalising one and glorifying the other...than i can question my own motives in service.
And just doing all these things...that has been such a blessing and exponential growth curve for me. It really has.
Not only that but meeting such passionate, strong Christians who are just so excited to grow and know more about Christ. To serve Him and talk about Him all the time. It's incredible and such a blessing.
Wow. Totally not my plans, huh? And yet....so much better.
So what i may be trying to say is that i know that i have so many plans for the future and sometimes get bummed at the thought that God won't let these come to be...just like how His plans weren't concurrent with my plans in the past.
But wanting God to follow MY plans wouldn't be letting God be the GOD over my life anymore, would it? doing that would be doing the good ol' "God the genie" rather than "God the ruler over my life".
So no matter what happens in the future. No matter what changes. No matter what DOESN'T happen as i plan...
I know that it'll be a billion times better.
Why?
Because it's God's plan.
And God is a benevolent God - a God who will do everything for the best of the most people and at the best possible time...God who shall be glorified...and blesses us that He should let us be the ones who may bring glory to Him through our lives.
God, i leave my life in your hands.
Change is everywhere.
Change is in the skies - the clouds constantly shaping with the prompting of the winds. It's in the sand which shapes every second, no single grain where it once was. It's in the seasons which grow from warm to cold and cold to warm. It's in the days - all following the same 24 hr pattern but being filled with so many different events and themes.
Change is inevitable. It's part of life, after all.
Then why is it that sometimes i fear change?
Because when i go away from home, sometimes i fear that when i go back, things will be really different. Or that when i come back from home, uni will be really different. Because i'm afraid that one day, i'll wake up and won't be able to write anymore.
Despite all my optimisms about life, sometimes i have this tingling inside that life isn't so much of an idealistic happily ever after as i always put it out to be.
We always have plans in our lives. And if you're like me, your plans will be vast and endless. I'm the kind who wants to live my life to the very fullest. I know God has given me a gift of life here in this world and every day is a gift from God and i do want to make the most of it - for Him. But i'll be lying too if i said that all my plans centred around Him, because sadly, i am only human and deep down, there are some things that i want to do for me.
But it's not like God won't bless me or "pamper" me through His plans because God is a God of goodness, love and benevolence along with holiness, justice and power. That's what's so great about God. Everything God will do for His glory but at the same time, it'll be best for the most amount of people at the best possible time. Isn't that just so comforting and incredible?
So i guess when i look back at where i was exactly a year ago, i'd say things definitely didn't go according to "plan".
I wanted to go to UNSW to do Med.
I was fully ready to be a Glue or SYG leader in Church
I was psyched to get involved in RICE as a RICE leader
I was going to write a great story and aim to get it published
Those were my plans a year ago - the middle of the year 2008.
Well, guess what happened?
I didn't get into UNSW med and am now in JCU Med, in Townsville, QLD instead.
Dad resigned from ministry and we changed churches, so i couldn't be involved in youth ministry there. But not that it would have changed anything anyway, coz i was going to move to go to uni.
I'm in Townsville, so i can't exactly be involved in RICE.
I know - my goal many years ago was to be the youngest published author ever. Publish a book at 13. Publish a book at 16. Publish a book at 18. Give up looking at an age mark.
So, things didn't exactly go according to plan. In fact, it was TOTALLY off plan. And to be honest, a lot of the time while i was IN it, i just couldn't understand why.
It's not like i WANT things from God and expect Him to follow MY plans...but what was REALLY on my mind was...God, why is it that i know some people whose every wish they have answered? I've always been doing as you want me to do, God. Putting you first, trusting in you...why can't you give me a break just for once?
I remember the days i used to assure my dad that resignation was the right decision and in my heart, know that it was true. I remember how comforted i was and really, i know that God really helped me to be selfless. Because if i were selfish, i'd have wanted to stayed...coz it was the church i grew up in and always dreamed of serving in.
I remember that day we had to farewell lunch at church. 12 solid years of ministry. Friends...no...family...all with us, talking to us, having a video of everyone saying bye to us. I remember the time it was to share about my dad and how people would thank our family so much for our ministry...and then start crying.
I remember crying as i heard how much the people appreciated my dad - knowing deep inside how much he needed it. How much God was blessing him through it. I remember the church being united that afternoon in the memories of the past decade - good memories.
I remember crying that day when liz came and hugged me and told me that she didn't want me to leave. We hugged for so long and i cried so hard...and i remember at that moment realising that this is what pastors usually did. So many of my PK friends would be constantly changing churches...as the Lord calls. I remember at that moment realising just what it means for God to call when He chooses to...and for ministry to be with the outer reaches of society and not just your comfort zone. Because it's so easy to just get so complacent with where you are that you can forget WHY you're going to church or WHY you're serving in ministry.
Sometimes, you really need a wakeup call and it's a blessing when God smacks you in the face with one...even if you don't see it as a blessing at the time.
But my point is that...then i partially wondered why it had to happen at that time. Why we had to church hop and just not be at "home" (church was like my second home, i was there so much) when my HSC was approaching. When i thought that that would be the prime of my life and i would be starting to serve more in church.
But when i look at it now, i know that God knows. It was God's perfect timing and God KNOWS!
Not only did it make it easier for me to leave home and come to uni because i wasn't in my church "home" anymore, but my parents are HAPPY. More importantly, their ministry is blossiming so beautifully and sweetly that it's so obvious that God's hand is in it all. God has been such a blessing to them and through them to the church that i just sit back and marvel in awe at God's power, might and....perfection. I thank God everyday for just being so amazing to my family.
So it wasn't my plan...but it was the best, wasn't it?
Just like my coming to JCU. Just coming here has meant that my eyes have been open to the wider society. I've been able to meet all these differnet people from different walks of life. I've been able to see the need of the people both in Australia and out of Australia - instead of being stagnant with higher-income friends in a higher-income church where the poor and disadvantaged were more words than experience.
I've been able to share the gospel to countless people and watch as God works through them and opens their eyes, in some cases. I've been able to watch my friend - my dear, beautiful friend whom i talked about God to that first week of O-week - grow to be such a beautiful woman in God being so passionate and fruitful. I've been able to do ministry - not out in the forefront as i had always kind of "planned" - but in sharing with people and just....living Christ.
That's something God has really taught me. It's so easy to talk big about those who are out there in ministry - leading RICE, doing talks, MCing meetings, leading youthgroups and all that jazz...that i found myself caught up in wanting to do those exact things and forgetting that ministry is basically following God's commandments.
And isn't sharing the gospel and living Christ just as much a ministry as standing at the front of a youth group meeting? Not that one is better than the other - it's just different ministries. But sometimes we can be so caught up in minimalising one and glorifying the other...than i can question my own motives in service.
And just doing all these things...that has been such a blessing and exponential growth curve for me. It really has.
Not only that but meeting such passionate, strong Christians who are just so excited to grow and know more about Christ. To serve Him and talk about Him all the time. It's incredible and such a blessing.
Wow. Totally not my plans, huh? And yet....so much better.
So what i may be trying to say is that i know that i have so many plans for the future and sometimes get bummed at the thought that God won't let these come to be...just like how His plans weren't concurrent with my plans in the past.
But wanting God to follow MY plans wouldn't be letting God be the GOD over my life anymore, would it? doing that would be doing the good ol' "God the genie" rather than "God the ruler over my life".
So no matter what happens in the future. No matter what changes. No matter what DOESN'T happen as i plan...
I know that it'll be a billion times better.
Why?
Because it's God's plan.
And God is a benevolent God - a God who will do everything for the best of the most people and at the best possible time...God who shall be glorified...and blesses us that He should let us be the ones who may bring glory to Him through our lives.
God, i leave my life in your hands.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Alone
There are times in my life where i sit and wonder what i'm doing here. What's God's plan and purpose for me? Sitting in my bedroom in the quiet of the night all alone on Easter. Watching Smallville, sucking on juicy tubes and staring out the window. Looking at all the posters on my wall and the stacks of notes on the reproductive system on my desk.
I listen to the gentle sounds of the piano intro of the song "come on" by ben jelen and tears start rolling down my cheek. Staring out into the courtyard at the back of my room, i see that everything is silent. In a building of over 60 people, i don't remember a time i quite felt so alone and helpless. Helpless because when i think about life and all life has to come...i wonder if i'm even ready. Ready to be facing whatever comes in life. Whether sacrificing a close relationship with my family and being in the comfort and familiarity of home to come to do a university degree is worth it.
Deep down, i know the answer to that question. Experiencing and seeing what i have...i know it is worth it.
But being human means doubting yourself sometimes, right?
I wish so much that i could hold on to God's love and promises but sometimes...sometimes it really isn't that easy. Especially when you feel so far away from the warmth and comfort of just...knowing that you're with people who would always forgive you no matter how stupid you're being. Who would be comfortable just sitting in silence - not forcing awkward conversation in attempts to breach the silence made awkward. With people whom you know wouldn't judge you by what stupid thing you let slip out of your mouth...i had that back at home...back with my friends i grew up with in church and at highschool.
It's funny how one year, you could be top of the school heirarchy and feel totally...on top of the world. And the next, you're fighting your way through the slums of what is "first year uni student"...kinda being forced to make friends or risk living life as a hermit.
I was never the most social person in the world. But i know too that God has given me - and all of us - the capacity to love people. I wish it were that easy just to go up to a random stranger and talk to them let you had known them for years. That there would be no fearing judgement or those pregnant pauses...or the fact that you'd never see them again and thus fear giving up a bit of your heart to something you can't hold on to.
If only life were that easy.
If only...we could all be totally satisfied by the love of God not to feel that...we'd want love of other people. Love of lots of friends...the opposite sex...just company and companionship. If only we could be completely satisfied in God's love and not feel so...alone sometimes.
hmmm...but really, life isn't all bad. These past two posts have been pretty melancholic...but what are blogs/journals for but to sometimes just rant, eh?
I am blessed and i do have a good life - and no, i'm not in denial. It's just...reflective to think of the other aspects of life as well. I guess - no, i know - that it's when you're feeling most alone and lost that God doesn't only walk with you but carries you. I may not feel His close presence but a relationship with God isn't all about feelings. Even if you can't feel the love of a friend, it doesn't mean it's not there. It's more than that...it's knowing deep down that no matter what...that person will love you and always be there for you because he always pulls through. And that's more than what it's like with God. He has always pulled through and He's loved me so, so much...i know that He's always there. And that His plan and purpose is always, always right.
I listen to the gentle sounds of the piano intro of the song "come on" by ben jelen and tears start rolling down my cheek. Staring out into the courtyard at the back of my room, i see that everything is silent. In a building of over 60 people, i don't remember a time i quite felt so alone and helpless. Helpless because when i think about life and all life has to come...i wonder if i'm even ready. Ready to be facing whatever comes in life. Whether sacrificing a close relationship with my family and being in the comfort and familiarity of home to come to do a university degree is worth it.
Deep down, i know the answer to that question. Experiencing and seeing what i have...i know it is worth it.
But being human means doubting yourself sometimes, right?
I wish so much that i could hold on to God's love and promises but sometimes...sometimes it really isn't that easy. Especially when you feel so far away from the warmth and comfort of just...knowing that you're with people who would always forgive you no matter how stupid you're being. Who would be comfortable just sitting in silence - not forcing awkward conversation in attempts to breach the silence made awkward. With people whom you know wouldn't judge you by what stupid thing you let slip out of your mouth...i had that back at home...back with my friends i grew up with in church and at highschool.
It's funny how one year, you could be top of the school heirarchy and feel totally...on top of the world. And the next, you're fighting your way through the slums of what is "first year uni student"...kinda being forced to make friends or risk living life as a hermit.
I was never the most social person in the world. But i know too that God has given me - and all of us - the capacity to love people. I wish it were that easy just to go up to a random stranger and talk to them let you had known them for years. That there would be no fearing judgement or those pregnant pauses...or the fact that you'd never see them again and thus fear giving up a bit of your heart to something you can't hold on to.
If only life were that easy.
If only...we could all be totally satisfied by the love of God not to feel that...we'd want love of other people. Love of lots of friends...the opposite sex...just company and companionship. If only we could be completely satisfied in God's love and not feel so...alone sometimes.
hmmm...but really, life isn't all bad. These past two posts have been pretty melancholic...but what are blogs/journals for but to sometimes just rant, eh?
I am blessed and i do have a good life - and no, i'm not in denial. It's just...reflective to think of the other aspects of life as well. I guess - no, i know - that it's when you're feeling most alone and lost that God doesn't only walk with you but carries you. I may not feel His close presence but a relationship with God isn't all about feelings. Even if you can't feel the love of a friend, it doesn't mean it's not there. It's more than that...it's knowing deep down that no matter what...that person will love you and always be there for you because he always pulls through. And that's more than what it's like with God. He has always pulled through and He's loved me so, so much...i know that He's always there. And that His plan and purpose is always, always right.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
2 months in
Hello...my, has it been awhile.
And such a time to write a new post, too.
Well, Good Friday had ended one whole hour ago...and it's raining pretty heavily. It's been raining quite a lot for the past few days, which has thankfully cooled the weather down by a lot...and look at me, i'm talking about the weather.
I feel rather sanguine right now...and i must admit, slightly melancholic. When you're alone and trying to study, sometimes one can't help but just ponder on life and things like that. I wonder, is it normal for a teenager to ponder upon the depth and breadth of life when trying to study? Sometimes i wonder if i'm just acting like an old woman.
I am realising now how true it is when they say that when you leave home, you're kinda forced to grow up. I had thought when my mum told me that, that "forced-to-grow-up" means doing the washing and looking after yourself without a parent doing it for you/telling you what to do a lot of the time. What i didn't realise that "forced-to-grow-up" also is also meant in the deeper sense of the word. Growing up being not so much just domestic and independence-wise...but in your thoughts and views of life, people and the world.
Being brought up in the "city" areas and being exposed to the same kind of people (majority being nerdy asians =P), i never really thought about how other people were living and the things that they have to go through. I had always thought how cool it would be to have been brought up in a small country town where everyone knows everyone...and never really thought about what it'd be like to be that person.
In Sydney, where outings involve the shops, the movies and occassionally the park and beach, here it's going to the creek for a swim (including natural water slides), climbing across rocky areas to see a waterfall, camping and going on road trips (although don't get me wrong, watching movies, going to the beach and shopping are still options that are readily used!).
You have majority of cars being manual (last time i saw so many manual cars was in Singapore 12 years ago), many more utes/trucks that i'm used to seeing driving around, being able to walk to your ideal destination...and this isn't even a small town - it's a rather large one! But i have friends who come from country towns and hearing their stories and just...knowing them has really opened my eyes to a world other than what i am so used to.
But it's not only such country/city differences that i've learnt about. Being in university itself has just caused me to think so much more about life and the future. Thinking about how others think and what they want out of life. Listening to all these plans and thoughts for the future and sometimes just realising how close to adulthood i really am (i still don't consider myself an adult even though i'm 18 because 18 is still technically "teen"). Hearing people's passions for things i would have never thought of or imagined but at the same time, admiring them so much. And at the same time, realising that there is so much emptiness in the world as well...
I am not quite sure if that whole chunk of a paragraph made sense at all. To tell the truth, i had to sit there and ponder on each sentence because it honestly is so hard to put feelings into words. Because really...how does one describe a sense of knowing or that one feeling that just tells you that your view of things has been slightly widened? Haha...i'm starting to confuse myself.
Anyway
What's been the most incredible thing for me is meeting Christians with a burning passion for God. You meet them and you just instantly have this special bond...being part of the body of christ and sharing the same goal in wanting to serve God and love Him so much. And just getting excited talking about the bible and praying with each other...it's amazing.
God has really opened my eyes and grown me these past few weeks. It's when i feel most alone or confused, i realise, that God reveals how deep and high and wide and mighty His love is. We were doing a bible study on Ephesians 3 in CBS on Tuesday night about God's love. So, so many times, we talk about the love of God and how much God loves us that He sent His son to die (very relevant too, as yesteday was Good Friday and Tomorrow's Easter) but really...do we think about those words carefully when we say it?
John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life"
That verse is quoted so many times by so many people. It's part of songs and on bookmarks and cards but really...we - at least i know I don't think often enough about how MUCH God loves me that He would send His son to die for me.
The bible refers a lot to God's love being like the ocean and everflowing streams. I read in a book God: As He longs for you to see Him by Chip Ingham which talks about the characteristics of God. On love, i still recall how he again referred to God's love like overflowing water. You look at the ocean and how great it is and God's love is greater than that.
Wow, it's just so incomprehensible. Something to pray about too - that God would help me to just be able to understand a glimpse of how AWESOME His love for me is. Because when we do...then we'd trust Him and whatever plan He has for us.
Because that's another thing that i've been thinking about these past few weeks. Being in uni and thinking about the many years i'm going to spend studying before i become a fully-fledged doctor - and even then, continually studying...i just wonder how it's going to turn out. And not only my future in terms of career but where it would bring it and how it would impact the rest of my life.
When i sit down and draw...or write like i am writing now...or think about a story that i have left unfinished because of all the study i have to do...i sometimes wonder if what i'm doing is the right thing. I definitely know that God put me here in JCU for a reason and i would never wish that i had not come...but is all this study worth it in the end.
I don't want to be consumed by my studies or by my worries or whatever. At the same time, i know that procrastination is there and evident to an extent in my life. I can still serve God and i do have time to share with my friends God and my life. It's a delicate balance.
I just wish medicine had more art and creativity in it sometimes. I feel a lot of the time like i'm a spouting robot with all these random facts. It's like a mean girls word vomit moment a lot of the time - yuck.
I know that i'm naturally more creative but at the same time, i do love what i'm studying as well. Because the more you study the human body, the more you realise how amazing God is. And i know that i'm being equiped to be able to help people - and that's something that i love.
Hmmm...i realise that i am going into random tangents. hahaha.
So much to say, i guess.
But to be honest, tonight i don't feel like recounting all that i have done in the past few weeks - that can be summed up quite neating into:
1) going to CU/church
2) uni/study
3) eating/sleeping etcetera
4) hanging with friends by watching movies/talking/walking around/going out
5) and the rare moments where i can hang with myself (like right now)
I've been thinking a lot about the past and sometimes, i wish that i was still in highschool. I was watching Suddenly 30 with Linda yesterday and there was a question that Jenna asked of "what would you do if you could go back in time?". I realised that if i went back in time, i'd wish that i treasured every day and every moment so much more. It all just escapes you so quickly and before you know it, you could hardly be speaking to one of your best friends at the time. You could never see one of your favourite places again or it could have never rain that hard ever again.
I was looking at the yr12 formal photos today and i found myself thinking about just how much i found that day a disappointment...and yet how much i wished that i was there right now to experience it all over - to see everyone in pretty clothes and to just experience that joy of finally FINISHING yr12 and the HSC and just being able to hang out and look good. And how much i miss our year and just having familiarity - being like brothers and sisters.
When you're a kid, you wish you could be an adult and have more independence.
When you're an adult, you wish you could be a kid and just be carefree.
Another thing i want to touch on in this post is just how much people are talking about dating and getting into relationships. It's so fast, it's shocking. Good friends i would have never thought of 5 years ago are talking about boys and it's just kind of bizarre.
I've always been that cliched girl who loves her Disney and romantic comedies. Who can't help but sigh and melt inside when the girl/guy makes the emotional speech of how they "can't live without" the other person and then that beautiful kiss to seal it all in the end. But at the same time...i wish that people would find completeness in God and be satisfied in themselves and know that Prince Charming will come when God has intended. And when he does...the wait will definitely be worth it. And in the time when we are single, that we'd be growing in God and ourselves as a person, readying ourselves for when we DO meet that person so that we can be a blessing to them - that is part of loving that future someone.
Hmmm...speaking of Disney...they are coming out with a REPUNZEL next year!!!! How absolutely EXCITING is that!!!!!
I'm really hungry right now.
And i've spent almost an hour writing this....wow. haha. Hope no one spends an hour reading this.
Well, hope you have a great Easter.
Until next time!
And such a time to write a new post, too.
Well, Good Friday had ended one whole hour ago...and it's raining pretty heavily. It's been raining quite a lot for the past few days, which has thankfully cooled the weather down by a lot...and look at me, i'm talking about the weather.
I feel rather sanguine right now...and i must admit, slightly melancholic. When you're alone and trying to study, sometimes one can't help but just ponder on life and things like that. I wonder, is it normal for a teenager to ponder upon the depth and breadth of life when trying to study? Sometimes i wonder if i'm just acting like an old woman.
I am realising now how true it is when they say that when you leave home, you're kinda forced to grow up. I had thought when my mum told me that, that "forced-to-grow-up" means doing the washing and looking after yourself without a parent doing it for you/telling you what to do a lot of the time. What i didn't realise that "forced-to-grow-up" also is also meant in the deeper sense of the word. Growing up being not so much just domestic and independence-wise...but in your thoughts and views of life, people and the world.
Being brought up in the "city" areas and being exposed to the same kind of people (majority being nerdy asians =P), i never really thought about how other people were living and the things that they have to go through. I had always thought how cool it would be to have been brought up in a small country town where everyone knows everyone...and never really thought about what it'd be like to be that person.
In Sydney, where outings involve the shops, the movies and occassionally the park and beach, here it's going to the creek for a swim (including natural water slides), climbing across rocky areas to see a waterfall, camping and going on road trips (although don't get me wrong, watching movies, going to the beach and shopping are still options that are readily used!).
You have majority of cars being manual (last time i saw so many manual cars was in Singapore 12 years ago), many more utes/trucks that i'm used to seeing driving around, being able to walk to your ideal destination...and this isn't even a small town - it's a rather large one! But i have friends who come from country towns and hearing their stories and just...knowing them has really opened my eyes to a world other than what i am so used to.
But it's not only such country/city differences that i've learnt about. Being in university itself has just caused me to think so much more about life and the future. Thinking about how others think and what they want out of life. Listening to all these plans and thoughts for the future and sometimes just realising how close to adulthood i really am (i still don't consider myself an adult even though i'm 18 because 18 is still technically "teen"). Hearing people's passions for things i would have never thought of or imagined but at the same time, admiring them so much. And at the same time, realising that there is so much emptiness in the world as well...
I am not quite sure if that whole chunk of a paragraph made sense at all. To tell the truth, i had to sit there and ponder on each sentence because it honestly is so hard to put feelings into words. Because really...how does one describe a sense of knowing or that one feeling that just tells you that your view of things has been slightly widened? Haha...i'm starting to confuse myself.
Anyway
What's been the most incredible thing for me is meeting Christians with a burning passion for God. You meet them and you just instantly have this special bond...being part of the body of christ and sharing the same goal in wanting to serve God and love Him so much. And just getting excited talking about the bible and praying with each other...it's amazing.
God has really opened my eyes and grown me these past few weeks. It's when i feel most alone or confused, i realise, that God reveals how deep and high and wide and mighty His love is. We were doing a bible study on Ephesians 3 in CBS on Tuesday night about God's love. So, so many times, we talk about the love of God and how much God loves us that He sent His son to die (very relevant too, as yesteday was Good Friday and Tomorrow's Easter) but really...do we think about those words carefully when we say it?
John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life"
That verse is quoted so many times by so many people. It's part of songs and on bookmarks and cards but really...we - at least i know I don't think often enough about how MUCH God loves me that He would send His son to die for me.
The bible refers a lot to God's love being like the ocean and everflowing streams. I read in a book God: As He longs for you to see Him by Chip Ingham which talks about the characteristics of God. On love, i still recall how he again referred to God's love like overflowing water. You look at the ocean and how great it is and God's love is greater than that.
Wow, it's just so incomprehensible. Something to pray about too - that God would help me to just be able to understand a glimpse of how AWESOME His love for me is. Because when we do...then we'd trust Him and whatever plan He has for us.
Because that's another thing that i've been thinking about these past few weeks. Being in uni and thinking about the many years i'm going to spend studying before i become a fully-fledged doctor - and even then, continually studying...i just wonder how it's going to turn out. And not only my future in terms of career but where it would bring it and how it would impact the rest of my life.
When i sit down and draw...or write like i am writing now...or think about a story that i have left unfinished because of all the study i have to do...i sometimes wonder if what i'm doing is the right thing. I definitely know that God put me here in JCU for a reason and i would never wish that i had not come...but is all this study worth it in the end.
I don't want to be consumed by my studies or by my worries or whatever. At the same time, i know that procrastination is there and evident to an extent in my life. I can still serve God and i do have time to share with my friends God and my life. It's a delicate balance.
I just wish medicine had more art and creativity in it sometimes. I feel a lot of the time like i'm a spouting robot with all these random facts. It's like a mean girls word vomit moment a lot of the time - yuck.
I know that i'm naturally more creative but at the same time, i do love what i'm studying as well. Because the more you study the human body, the more you realise how amazing God is. And i know that i'm being equiped to be able to help people - and that's something that i love.
Hmmm...i realise that i am going into random tangents. hahaha.
So much to say, i guess.
But to be honest, tonight i don't feel like recounting all that i have done in the past few weeks - that can be summed up quite neating into:
1) going to CU/church
2) uni/study
3) eating/sleeping etcetera
4) hanging with friends by watching movies/talking/walking around/going out
5) and the rare moments where i can hang with myself (like right now)
I've been thinking a lot about the past and sometimes, i wish that i was still in highschool. I was watching Suddenly 30 with Linda yesterday and there was a question that Jenna asked of "what would you do if you could go back in time?". I realised that if i went back in time, i'd wish that i treasured every day and every moment so much more. It all just escapes you so quickly and before you know it, you could hardly be speaking to one of your best friends at the time. You could never see one of your favourite places again or it could have never rain that hard ever again.
I was looking at the yr12 formal photos today and i found myself thinking about just how much i found that day a disappointment...and yet how much i wished that i was there right now to experience it all over - to see everyone in pretty clothes and to just experience that joy of finally FINISHING yr12 and the HSC and just being able to hang out and look good. And how much i miss our year and just having familiarity - being like brothers and sisters.
When you're a kid, you wish you could be an adult and have more independence.
When you're an adult, you wish you could be a kid and just be carefree.
Another thing i want to touch on in this post is just how much people are talking about dating and getting into relationships. It's so fast, it's shocking. Good friends i would have never thought of 5 years ago are talking about boys and it's just kind of bizarre.
I've always been that cliched girl who loves her Disney and romantic comedies. Who can't help but sigh and melt inside when the girl/guy makes the emotional speech of how they "can't live without" the other person and then that beautiful kiss to seal it all in the end. But at the same time...i wish that people would find completeness in God and be satisfied in themselves and know that Prince Charming will come when God has intended. And when he does...the wait will definitely be worth it. And in the time when we are single, that we'd be growing in God and ourselves as a person, readying ourselves for when we DO meet that person so that we can be a blessing to them - that is part of loving that future someone.
Hmmm...speaking of Disney...they are coming out with a REPUNZEL next year!!!! How absolutely EXCITING is that!!!!!
I'm really hungry right now.
And i've spent almost an hour writing this....wow. haha. Hope no one spends an hour reading this.
Well, hope you have a great Easter.
Until next time!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Walks Around, Skin Cancer and Quirkies
Guden Tag.
I turned off my alarm this morning and had a nice sleep in (woke up at 8:40!!) and now i feel really refreshed and energised...to start on the reading material for the first week of lectures!!!! (yay to nerdiness).
It's odd not starting the Sunday off in Church because that's what i usually do. I haven't really been to night church before (following Coralie whom i met at Christian Union to her Baptist Church) and so that will be highly interesting. Supposedly, most uni students go to night church.
Yesterday, Jono, Linda, Amy, Manjri, Vince and I did a nice walk around the Strand (doing the awesome, touristy thing) and then went to Stockland to buy some stuff. It was really interesting going on the bus in an even group of first year meds and talking about the most random stuff. Linda and i were talking about Asian stuff whilst Vince was dissing us for being so asianised (and then he dissed me for using that word...i didn't make it up, did i?).
Amy led us down the Strand like a true local whilst Vince and Manjri were complaining about how they were melting (judging from the fact they come from Canada and New Zealand, that is TOTALLY understandable), although Jono LOOKED like he was melting more than Vince and Manjri seemed (which was rather funny...hehe).
We tooked somed touristy photos next to the Strand (which was meant to be the "Cleanest Beach in Australia", according the to sign on it). We also had a million stops after walking, as we are asian, spoilt and can't really stand long exposure to the sun. We talked about stuff like politics and the places where we come from whilst sitting down. Everyone was especially amused with Linda as she tried to French Braid my hair and kept failing (although she WAS highly determined).
We then stopped at Cold (or was it Ice?) Rock to have some ice cream and smoothies (that was the ultimate recharge) and we walked back to the Northern Queensland Museum and had a nice look around.
We then walked back to the busstop and headed to Stocklands where we had lunch at the foodcourt and went crazy with buying folders (all colourful, of course).
What was highly interesting was listening to Vince talk about Canada and how into Human Rights they are. They have legalised Gay Marriages and Marijuana (which i never knew) because of "Human Rights" and will pass about anything if it has anything to do with Legal Rights. For instance, in schools, they have to sing the national anthem. The national anthem has the word "God" in it, though, so some students are exempted from singing it if they are religious. Supposedly, Candaian politics are also much more interesting than Australian Politics. Oh, and buying stuff from Canada is a lot cheaper too.
Following our walkabout, it was evident that some people got sunburnt despite sunscreen. As to-be doctors, everyone started talking about if they'd get skin cancer before we finished our degree (supposedly, new doctors become really paranoid about their health, according to a doctor doing his phD here).
After dinner, we walked over to Vince's room coz i wanted to get some soil for Elliot (aka my loved potplant). Following this, i watched She's the Man with Amanda, a fellow christian who lives in St Marks (and who is really awesome. Plus, she shares the same love of rom coms with me and has like...EVERYTHING!!!!).
Showering involved another encounter with a frog. This is the second time that i've found a small frog in my showe cubicle (and this is a different frog to the last one). This frog was on the shower curtain when i was showering. As i didn't want it to burn to death as i shower in really hot water, despite the hot temperatures of Townsville, i gently pushed it out of the shower cubicle and it disappeared.
Amazing what happens up here in the tropics. A million mosquito bites, cane toads everywhere, wallabies on your front lawn and frogs in the shower cubicle. =P
As you can see, i have more free time on my hands than i thought AND i am really bored, thus the continued blogging. haha.
I forgot to bring my camera yesterday =( but i'll scab some photos from Linda and put them up here. =)
I turned off my alarm this morning and had a nice sleep in (woke up at 8:40!!) and now i feel really refreshed and energised...to start on the reading material for the first week of lectures!!!! (yay to nerdiness).
It's odd not starting the Sunday off in Church because that's what i usually do. I haven't really been to night church before (following Coralie whom i met at Christian Union to her Baptist Church) and so that will be highly interesting. Supposedly, most uni students go to night church.
Yesterday, Jono, Linda, Amy, Manjri, Vince and I did a nice walk around the Strand (doing the awesome, touristy thing) and then went to Stockland to buy some stuff. It was really interesting going on the bus in an even group of first year meds and talking about the most random stuff. Linda and i were talking about Asian stuff whilst Vince was dissing us for being so asianised (and then he dissed me for using that word...i didn't make it up, did i?).
Amy led us down the Strand like a true local whilst Vince and Manjri were complaining about how they were melting (judging from the fact they come from Canada and New Zealand, that is TOTALLY understandable), although Jono LOOKED like he was melting more than Vince and Manjri seemed (which was rather funny...hehe).
We tooked somed touristy photos next to the Strand (which was meant to be the "Cleanest Beach in Australia", according the to sign on it). We also had a million stops after walking, as we are asian, spoilt and can't really stand long exposure to the sun. We talked about stuff like politics and the places where we come from whilst sitting down. Everyone was especially amused with Linda as she tried to French Braid my hair and kept failing (although she WAS highly determined).
We then stopped at Cold (or was it Ice?) Rock to have some ice cream and smoothies (that was the ultimate recharge) and we walked back to the Northern Queensland Museum and had a nice look around.
We then walked back to the busstop and headed to Stocklands where we had lunch at the foodcourt and went crazy with buying folders (all colourful, of course).
What was highly interesting was listening to Vince talk about Canada and how into Human Rights they are. They have legalised Gay Marriages and Marijuana (which i never knew) because of "Human Rights" and will pass about anything if it has anything to do with Legal Rights. For instance, in schools, they have to sing the national anthem. The national anthem has the word "God" in it, though, so some students are exempted from singing it if they are religious. Supposedly, Candaian politics are also much more interesting than Australian Politics. Oh, and buying stuff from Canada is a lot cheaper too.
Following our walkabout, it was evident that some people got sunburnt despite sunscreen. As to-be doctors, everyone started talking about if they'd get skin cancer before we finished our degree (supposedly, new doctors become really paranoid about their health, according to a doctor doing his phD here).
After dinner, we walked over to Vince's room coz i wanted to get some soil for Elliot (aka my loved potplant). Following this, i watched She's the Man with Amanda, a fellow christian who lives in St Marks (and who is really awesome. Plus, she shares the same love of rom coms with me and has like...EVERYTHING!!!!).
Showering involved another encounter with a frog. This is the second time that i've found a small frog in my showe cubicle (and this is a different frog to the last one). This frog was on the shower curtain when i was showering. As i didn't want it to burn to death as i shower in really hot water, despite the hot temperatures of Townsville, i gently pushed it out of the shower cubicle and it disappeared.
Amazing what happens up here in the tropics. A million mosquito bites, cane toads everywhere, wallabies on your front lawn and frogs in the shower cubicle. =P
As you can see, i have more free time on my hands than i thought AND i am really bored, thus the continued blogging. haha.
I forgot to bring my camera yesterday =( but i'll scab some photos from Linda and put them up here. =)
Friday, February 20, 2009
Pov Student and Loud Noises
I'm becoming extremely poor and i really feel like i need to get a job but 1) the med course is so packed and 2) transport is highly difficult as the only real way to get around here in Townsville is by car (which i obviously can't use) or bus (and the routes aren't that great).
There is absolutely so much to buy and everything is REALLY expensive =.=. It's like they WANT to squeeze every penny out of poor students like me. But i acknowledge that they give us heaps of support and discounts too...and freebees (like INDOMEE, rendung flavoured from, you'll never guess, the COMMONWEALTH BANK!!!).
I still need to buy my stethescope....(they say it's better to get a good one coz you'll be using it a lot. can't find a glow-in-the-dark one but the Raspberry colour looks quite nice).
I am still highly annoyed by the Firedrill being at such an annoying hour at night. I feel really tired right now and might have a short nap after i finish writing this. Not only that, but at 4am this morning, someone came knocking at all the Fresher doors, trying to wake everybody up to go for a morning run to Maccas (=.=). I was just like...huh? and then i tried to go back to sleep.
I am so lacking in sleep.
I should start doing the prereading for the lectures we have on Monday...
It's so good that everything is basically Biology and Chemistry. I pity those who didn't do both because you'll definitely be benefitted if you have done both Bio and Chem as there's parts of both integrated into our course.
So note to those who are planning to do med and are in yr10 - DO BIOLOGY AND CHEMISTRY. Who cares about scaling coz i still did really well in Biology and got a good uai. Biology and chem is definitely good for you in the longrun and, of course, you'd like to stay on top of your studies in uni.
Also learnt to notetake today in a Notetaking workshop...i discovered i'm on the borderline of writing transcripts. I am far too paranoid.
And as you can see from me writing again so soon, i'm rather bored too.
I might go and sleep now. And then maybe wake up to read some textbooks >.<
There is absolutely so much to buy and everything is REALLY expensive =.=. It's like they WANT to squeeze every penny out of poor students like me. But i acknowledge that they give us heaps of support and discounts too...and freebees (like INDOMEE, rendung flavoured from, you'll never guess, the COMMONWEALTH BANK!!!).
I still need to buy my stethescope....(they say it's better to get a good one coz you'll be using it a lot. can't find a glow-in-the-dark one but the Raspberry colour looks quite nice).
I am still highly annoyed by the Firedrill being at such an annoying hour at night. I feel really tired right now and might have a short nap after i finish writing this. Not only that, but at 4am this morning, someone came knocking at all the Fresher doors, trying to wake everybody up to go for a morning run to Maccas (=.=). I was just like...huh? and then i tried to go back to sleep.
I am so lacking in sleep.
I should start doing the prereading for the lectures we have on Monday...
It's so good that everything is basically Biology and Chemistry. I pity those who didn't do both because you'll definitely be benefitted if you have done both Bio and Chem as there's parts of both integrated into our course.
So note to those who are planning to do med and are in yr10 - DO BIOLOGY AND CHEMISTRY. Who cares about scaling coz i still did really well in Biology and got a good uai. Biology and chem is definitely good for you in the longrun and, of course, you'd like to stay on top of your studies in uni.
Also learnt to notetake today in a Notetaking workshop...i discovered i'm on the borderline of writing transcripts. I am far too paranoid.
And as you can see from me writing again so soon, i'm rather bored too.
I might go and sleep now. And then maybe wake up to read some textbooks >.<
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
