There are times in my life where i sit and wonder what i'm doing here. What's God's plan and purpose for me? Sitting in my bedroom in the quiet of the night all alone on Easter. Watching Smallville, sucking on juicy tubes and staring out the window. Looking at all the posters on my wall and the stacks of notes on the reproductive system on my desk.
I listen to the gentle sounds of the piano intro of the song "come on" by ben jelen and tears start rolling down my cheek. Staring out into the courtyard at the back of my room, i see that everything is silent. In a building of over 60 people, i don't remember a time i quite felt so alone and helpless. Helpless because when i think about life and all life has to come...i wonder if i'm even ready. Ready to be facing whatever comes in life. Whether sacrificing a close relationship with my family and being in the comfort and familiarity of home to come to do a university degree is worth it.
Deep down, i know the answer to that question. Experiencing and seeing what i have...i know it is worth it.
But being human means doubting yourself sometimes, right?
I wish so much that i could hold on to God's love and promises but sometimes...sometimes it really isn't that easy. Especially when you feel so far away from the warmth and comfort of just...knowing that you're with people who would always forgive you no matter how stupid you're being. Who would be comfortable just sitting in silence - not forcing awkward conversation in attempts to breach the silence made awkward. With people whom you know wouldn't judge you by what stupid thing you let slip out of your mouth...i had that back at home...back with my friends i grew up with in church and at highschool.
It's funny how one year, you could be top of the school heirarchy and feel totally...on top of the world. And the next, you're fighting your way through the slums of what is "first year uni student"...kinda being forced to make friends or risk living life as a hermit.
I was never the most social person in the world. But i know too that God has given me - and all of us - the capacity to love people. I wish it were that easy just to go up to a random stranger and talk to them let you had known them for years. That there would be no fearing judgement or those pregnant pauses...or the fact that you'd never see them again and thus fear giving up a bit of your heart to something you can't hold on to.
If only life were that easy.
If only...we could all be totally satisfied by the love of God not to feel that...we'd want love of other people. Love of lots of friends...the opposite sex...just company and companionship. If only we could be completely satisfied in God's love and not feel so...alone sometimes.
hmmm...but really, life isn't all bad. These past two posts have been pretty melancholic...but what are blogs/journals for but to sometimes just rant, eh?
I am blessed and i do have a good life - and no, i'm not in denial. It's just...reflective to think of the other aspects of life as well. I guess - no, i know - that it's when you're feeling most alone and lost that God doesn't only walk with you but carries you. I may not feel His close presence but a relationship with God isn't all about feelings. Even if you can't feel the love of a friend, it doesn't mean it's not there. It's more than that...it's knowing deep down that no matter what...that person will love you and always be there for you because he always pulls through. And that's more than what it's like with God. He has always pulled through and He's loved me so, so much...i know that He's always there. And that His plan and purpose is always, always right.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
2 months in
Hello...my, has it been awhile.
And such a time to write a new post, too.
Well, Good Friday had ended one whole hour ago...and it's raining pretty heavily. It's been raining quite a lot for the past few days, which has thankfully cooled the weather down by a lot...and look at me, i'm talking about the weather.
I feel rather sanguine right now...and i must admit, slightly melancholic. When you're alone and trying to study, sometimes one can't help but just ponder on life and things like that. I wonder, is it normal for a teenager to ponder upon the depth and breadth of life when trying to study? Sometimes i wonder if i'm just acting like an old woman.
I am realising now how true it is when they say that when you leave home, you're kinda forced to grow up. I had thought when my mum told me that, that "forced-to-grow-up" means doing the washing and looking after yourself without a parent doing it for you/telling you what to do a lot of the time. What i didn't realise that "forced-to-grow-up" also is also meant in the deeper sense of the word. Growing up being not so much just domestic and independence-wise...but in your thoughts and views of life, people and the world.
Being brought up in the "city" areas and being exposed to the same kind of people (majority being nerdy asians =P), i never really thought about how other people were living and the things that they have to go through. I had always thought how cool it would be to have been brought up in a small country town where everyone knows everyone...and never really thought about what it'd be like to be that person.
In Sydney, where outings involve the shops, the movies and occassionally the park and beach, here it's going to the creek for a swim (including natural water slides), climbing across rocky areas to see a waterfall, camping and going on road trips (although don't get me wrong, watching movies, going to the beach and shopping are still options that are readily used!).
You have majority of cars being manual (last time i saw so many manual cars was in Singapore 12 years ago), many more utes/trucks that i'm used to seeing driving around, being able to walk to your ideal destination...and this isn't even a small town - it's a rather large one! But i have friends who come from country towns and hearing their stories and just...knowing them has really opened my eyes to a world other than what i am so used to.
But it's not only such country/city differences that i've learnt about. Being in university itself has just caused me to think so much more about life and the future. Thinking about how others think and what they want out of life. Listening to all these plans and thoughts for the future and sometimes just realising how close to adulthood i really am (i still don't consider myself an adult even though i'm 18 because 18 is still technically "teen"). Hearing people's passions for things i would have never thought of or imagined but at the same time, admiring them so much. And at the same time, realising that there is so much emptiness in the world as well...
I am not quite sure if that whole chunk of a paragraph made sense at all. To tell the truth, i had to sit there and ponder on each sentence because it honestly is so hard to put feelings into words. Because really...how does one describe a sense of knowing or that one feeling that just tells you that your view of things has been slightly widened? Haha...i'm starting to confuse myself.
Anyway
What's been the most incredible thing for me is meeting Christians with a burning passion for God. You meet them and you just instantly have this special bond...being part of the body of christ and sharing the same goal in wanting to serve God and love Him so much. And just getting excited talking about the bible and praying with each other...it's amazing.
God has really opened my eyes and grown me these past few weeks. It's when i feel most alone or confused, i realise, that God reveals how deep and high and wide and mighty His love is. We were doing a bible study on Ephesians 3 in CBS on Tuesday night about God's love. So, so many times, we talk about the love of God and how much God loves us that He sent His son to die (very relevant too, as yesteday was Good Friday and Tomorrow's Easter) but really...do we think about those words carefully when we say it?
John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life"
That verse is quoted so many times by so many people. It's part of songs and on bookmarks and cards but really...we - at least i know I don't think often enough about how MUCH God loves me that He would send His son to die for me.
The bible refers a lot to God's love being like the ocean and everflowing streams. I read in a book God: As He longs for you to see Him by Chip Ingham which talks about the characteristics of God. On love, i still recall how he again referred to God's love like overflowing water. You look at the ocean and how great it is and God's love is greater than that.
Wow, it's just so incomprehensible. Something to pray about too - that God would help me to just be able to understand a glimpse of how AWESOME His love for me is. Because when we do...then we'd trust Him and whatever plan He has for us.
Because that's another thing that i've been thinking about these past few weeks. Being in uni and thinking about the many years i'm going to spend studying before i become a fully-fledged doctor - and even then, continually studying...i just wonder how it's going to turn out. And not only my future in terms of career but where it would bring it and how it would impact the rest of my life.
When i sit down and draw...or write like i am writing now...or think about a story that i have left unfinished because of all the study i have to do...i sometimes wonder if what i'm doing is the right thing. I definitely know that God put me here in JCU for a reason and i would never wish that i had not come...but is all this study worth it in the end.
I don't want to be consumed by my studies or by my worries or whatever. At the same time, i know that procrastination is there and evident to an extent in my life. I can still serve God and i do have time to share with my friends God and my life. It's a delicate balance.
I just wish medicine had more art and creativity in it sometimes. I feel a lot of the time like i'm a spouting robot with all these random facts. It's like a mean girls word vomit moment a lot of the time - yuck.
I know that i'm naturally more creative but at the same time, i do love what i'm studying as well. Because the more you study the human body, the more you realise how amazing God is. And i know that i'm being equiped to be able to help people - and that's something that i love.
Hmmm...i realise that i am going into random tangents. hahaha.
So much to say, i guess.
But to be honest, tonight i don't feel like recounting all that i have done in the past few weeks - that can be summed up quite neating into:
1) going to CU/church
2) uni/study
3) eating/sleeping etcetera
4) hanging with friends by watching movies/talking/walking around/going out
5) and the rare moments where i can hang with myself (like right now)
I've been thinking a lot about the past and sometimes, i wish that i was still in highschool. I was watching Suddenly 30 with Linda yesterday and there was a question that Jenna asked of "what would you do if you could go back in time?". I realised that if i went back in time, i'd wish that i treasured every day and every moment so much more. It all just escapes you so quickly and before you know it, you could hardly be speaking to one of your best friends at the time. You could never see one of your favourite places again or it could have never rain that hard ever again.
I was looking at the yr12 formal photos today and i found myself thinking about just how much i found that day a disappointment...and yet how much i wished that i was there right now to experience it all over - to see everyone in pretty clothes and to just experience that joy of finally FINISHING yr12 and the HSC and just being able to hang out and look good. And how much i miss our year and just having familiarity - being like brothers and sisters.
When you're a kid, you wish you could be an adult and have more independence.
When you're an adult, you wish you could be a kid and just be carefree.
Another thing i want to touch on in this post is just how much people are talking about dating and getting into relationships. It's so fast, it's shocking. Good friends i would have never thought of 5 years ago are talking about boys and it's just kind of bizarre.
I've always been that cliched girl who loves her Disney and romantic comedies. Who can't help but sigh and melt inside when the girl/guy makes the emotional speech of how they "can't live without" the other person and then that beautiful kiss to seal it all in the end. But at the same time...i wish that people would find completeness in God and be satisfied in themselves and know that Prince Charming will come when God has intended. And when he does...the wait will definitely be worth it. And in the time when we are single, that we'd be growing in God and ourselves as a person, readying ourselves for when we DO meet that person so that we can be a blessing to them - that is part of loving that future someone.
Hmmm...speaking of Disney...they are coming out with a REPUNZEL next year!!!! How absolutely EXCITING is that!!!!!
I'm really hungry right now.
And i've spent almost an hour writing this....wow. haha. Hope no one spends an hour reading this.
Well, hope you have a great Easter.
Until next time!
And such a time to write a new post, too.
Well, Good Friday had ended one whole hour ago...and it's raining pretty heavily. It's been raining quite a lot for the past few days, which has thankfully cooled the weather down by a lot...and look at me, i'm talking about the weather.
I feel rather sanguine right now...and i must admit, slightly melancholic. When you're alone and trying to study, sometimes one can't help but just ponder on life and things like that. I wonder, is it normal for a teenager to ponder upon the depth and breadth of life when trying to study? Sometimes i wonder if i'm just acting like an old woman.
I am realising now how true it is when they say that when you leave home, you're kinda forced to grow up. I had thought when my mum told me that, that "forced-to-grow-up" means doing the washing and looking after yourself without a parent doing it for you/telling you what to do a lot of the time. What i didn't realise that "forced-to-grow-up" also is also meant in the deeper sense of the word. Growing up being not so much just domestic and independence-wise...but in your thoughts and views of life, people and the world.
Being brought up in the "city" areas and being exposed to the same kind of people (majority being nerdy asians =P), i never really thought about how other people were living and the things that they have to go through. I had always thought how cool it would be to have been brought up in a small country town where everyone knows everyone...and never really thought about what it'd be like to be that person.
In Sydney, where outings involve the shops, the movies and occassionally the park and beach, here it's going to the creek for a swim (including natural water slides), climbing across rocky areas to see a waterfall, camping and going on road trips (although don't get me wrong, watching movies, going to the beach and shopping are still options that are readily used!).
You have majority of cars being manual (last time i saw so many manual cars was in Singapore 12 years ago), many more utes/trucks that i'm used to seeing driving around, being able to walk to your ideal destination...and this isn't even a small town - it's a rather large one! But i have friends who come from country towns and hearing their stories and just...knowing them has really opened my eyes to a world other than what i am so used to.
But it's not only such country/city differences that i've learnt about. Being in university itself has just caused me to think so much more about life and the future. Thinking about how others think and what they want out of life. Listening to all these plans and thoughts for the future and sometimes just realising how close to adulthood i really am (i still don't consider myself an adult even though i'm 18 because 18 is still technically "teen"). Hearing people's passions for things i would have never thought of or imagined but at the same time, admiring them so much. And at the same time, realising that there is so much emptiness in the world as well...
I am not quite sure if that whole chunk of a paragraph made sense at all. To tell the truth, i had to sit there and ponder on each sentence because it honestly is so hard to put feelings into words. Because really...how does one describe a sense of knowing or that one feeling that just tells you that your view of things has been slightly widened? Haha...i'm starting to confuse myself.
Anyway
What's been the most incredible thing for me is meeting Christians with a burning passion for God. You meet them and you just instantly have this special bond...being part of the body of christ and sharing the same goal in wanting to serve God and love Him so much. And just getting excited talking about the bible and praying with each other...it's amazing.
God has really opened my eyes and grown me these past few weeks. It's when i feel most alone or confused, i realise, that God reveals how deep and high and wide and mighty His love is. We were doing a bible study on Ephesians 3 in CBS on Tuesday night about God's love. So, so many times, we talk about the love of God and how much God loves us that He sent His son to die (very relevant too, as yesteday was Good Friday and Tomorrow's Easter) but really...do we think about those words carefully when we say it?
John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life"
That verse is quoted so many times by so many people. It's part of songs and on bookmarks and cards but really...we - at least i know I don't think often enough about how MUCH God loves me that He would send His son to die for me.
The bible refers a lot to God's love being like the ocean and everflowing streams. I read in a book God: As He longs for you to see Him by Chip Ingham which talks about the characteristics of God. On love, i still recall how he again referred to God's love like overflowing water. You look at the ocean and how great it is and God's love is greater than that.
Wow, it's just so incomprehensible. Something to pray about too - that God would help me to just be able to understand a glimpse of how AWESOME His love for me is. Because when we do...then we'd trust Him and whatever plan He has for us.
Because that's another thing that i've been thinking about these past few weeks. Being in uni and thinking about the many years i'm going to spend studying before i become a fully-fledged doctor - and even then, continually studying...i just wonder how it's going to turn out. And not only my future in terms of career but where it would bring it and how it would impact the rest of my life.
When i sit down and draw...or write like i am writing now...or think about a story that i have left unfinished because of all the study i have to do...i sometimes wonder if what i'm doing is the right thing. I definitely know that God put me here in JCU for a reason and i would never wish that i had not come...but is all this study worth it in the end.
I don't want to be consumed by my studies or by my worries or whatever. At the same time, i know that procrastination is there and evident to an extent in my life. I can still serve God and i do have time to share with my friends God and my life. It's a delicate balance.
I just wish medicine had more art and creativity in it sometimes. I feel a lot of the time like i'm a spouting robot with all these random facts. It's like a mean girls word vomit moment a lot of the time - yuck.
I know that i'm naturally more creative but at the same time, i do love what i'm studying as well. Because the more you study the human body, the more you realise how amazing God is. And i know that i'm being equiped to be able to help people - and that's something that i love.
Hmmm...i realise that i am going into random tangents. hahaha.
So much to say, i guess.
But to be honest, tonight i don't feel like recounting all that i have done in the past few weeks - that can be summed up quite neating into:
1) going to CU/church
2) uni/study
3) eating/sleeping etcetera
4) hanging with friends by watching movies/talking/walking around/going out
5) and the rare moments where i can hang with myself (like right now)
I've been thinking a lot about the past and sometimes, i wish that i was still in highschool. I was watching Suddenly 30 with Linda yesterday and there was a question that Jenna asked of "what would you do if you could go back in time?". I realised that if i went back in time, i'd wish that i treasured every day and every moment so much more. It all just escapes you so quickly and before you know it, you could hardly be speaking to one of your best friends at the time. You could never see one of your favourite places again or it could have never rain that hard ever again.
I was looking at the yr12 formal photos today and i found myself thinking about just how much i found that day a disappointment...and yet how much i wished that i was there right now to experience it all over - to see everyone in pretty clothes and to just experience that joy of finally FINISHING yr12 and the HSC and just being able to hang out and look good. And how much i miss our year and just having familiarity - being like brothers and sisters.
When you're a kid, you wish you could be an adult and have more independence.
When you're an adult, you wish you could be a kid and just be carefree.
Another thing i want to touch on in this post is just how much people are talking about dating and getting into relationships. It's so fast, it's shocking. Good friends i would have never thought of 5 years ago are talking about boys and it's just kind of bizarre.
I've always been that cliched girl who loves her Disney and romantic comedies. Who can't help but sigh and melt inside when the girl/guy makes the emotional speech of how they "can't live without" the other person and then that beautiful kiss to seal it all in the end. But at the same time...i wish that people would find completeness in God and be satisfied in themselves and know that Prince Charming will come when God has intended. And when he does...the wait will definitely be worth it. And in the time when we are single, that we'd be growing in God and ourselves as a person, readying ourselves for when we DO meet that person so that we can be a blessing to them - that is part of loving that future someone.
Hmmm...speaking of Disney...they are coming out with a REPUNZEL next year!!!! How absolutely EXCITING is that!!!!!
I'm really hungry right now.
And i've spent almost an hour writing this....wow. haha. Hope no one spends an hour reading this.
Well, hope you have a great Easter.
Until next time!
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