Alone

There are times in my life where i sit and wonder what i'm doing here. What's God's plan and purpose for me? Sitting in my bedroom in the quiet of the night all alone on Easter. Watching Smallville, sucking on juicy tubes and staring out the window. Looking at all the posters on my wall and the stacks of notes on the reproductive system on my desk.

I listen to the gentle sounds of the piano intro of the song "come on" by ben jelen and tears start rolling down my cheek. Staring out into the courtyard at the back of my room, i see that everything is silent. In a building of over 60 people, i don't remember a time i quite felt so alone and helpless. Helpless because when i think about life and all life has to come...i wonder if i'm even ready. Ready to be facing whatever comes in life. Whether sacrificing a close relationship with my family and being in the comfort and familiarity of home to come to do a university degree is worth it.

Deep down, i know the answer to that question. Experiencing and seeing what i have...i know it is worth it.

But being human means doubting yourself sometimes, right?

I wish so much that i could hold on to God's love and promises but sometimes...sometimes it really isn't that easy. Especially when you feel so far away from the warmth and comfort of just...knowing that you're with people who would always forgive you no matter how stupid you're being. Who would be comfortable just sitting in silence - not forcing awkward conversation in attempts to breach the silence made awkward. With people whom you know wouldn't judge you by what stupid thing you let slip out of your mouth...i had that back at home...back with my friends i grew up with in church and at highschool.

It's funny how one year, you could be top of the school heirarchy and feel totally...on top of the world. And the next, you're fighting your way through the slums of what is "first year uni student"...kinda being forced to make friends or risk living life as a hermit.

I was never the most social person in the world. But i know too that God has given me - and all of us - the capacity to love people. I wish it were that easy just to go up to a random stranger and talk to them let you had known them for years. That there would be no fearing judgement or those pregnant pauses...or the fact that you'd never see them again and thus fear giving up a bit of your heart to something you can't hold on to.

If only life were that easy.

If only...we could all be totally satisfied by the love of God not to feel that...we'd want love of other people. Love of lots of friends...the opposite sex...just company and companionship. If only we could be completely satisfied in God's love and not feel so...alone sometimes.

hmmm...but really, life isn't all bad. These past two posts have been pretty melancholic...but what are blogs/journals for but to sometimes just rant, eh?

I am blessed and i do have a good life - and no, i'm not in denial. It's just...reflective to think of the other aspects of life as well. I guess - no, i know - that it's when you're feeling most alone and lost that God doesn't only walk with you but carries you. I may not feel His close presence but a relationship with God isn't all about feelings. Even if you can't feel the love of a friend, it doesn't mean it's not there. It's more than that...it's knowing deep down that no matter what...that person will love you and always be there for you because he always pulls through. And that's more than what it's like with God. He has always pulled through and He's loved me so, so much...i know that He's always there. And that His plan and purpose is always, always right.